Jealous

I easily got jealous with my oldest sister.

Due to some reasons abah usually
listen to anything that come out of her mouth
better than what i say.
Am I speaking nonsense or
because she always has the so called
"idea yang bernas" abah?

I also got jealous because she is confident
in everything.
For example, I really hate it when I have to go
to the bank because that means I need to speak
to the bank's officer.
Its kind of uncomfortable for me to speak
to strangers.
It feels like that I have thousands of butterflies
in my stomach that even the HCl can't afford to
kill all of them.
But I think things are better now.
I don't feel really nervous or burdened
to speak to stranger thanks to her.
I mean, how long you gonna depend on someone
else when you actually can do it by yourself.
The only thing that you need is "courage".

I don't know why I'm writing this random post
about you sis. Haha.
Maybe because I miss you.
I miss everybody at home.

Rant #9

Sometimes I used to laughed secretly
to people who said that they are scared at me
because i'm bekeng.
You know, we kelantanese choose to
say bekeng instead of garang.
Somehow I have no idea why would people
have that kind of perception on me.

Some people just don't dare to speak "freely"
to me since I have this bekeng face.
Its not my fault that I have this kind of face.
It's just that I don't smile a lot to random people.
It's hard for me to speak random topic with someone whom
I rarely meet in my daily life.
Okay. I admit that I'm not the friendly type of person.
I need quite a lot of time before I can really mingle around
with people.

Actually sometimes I feel safe.
Rasa selamat sebab dengan buat muka garang macam ni
bajet orang akan ada rasa gerun nak kacau whenever
I'm traveling alone.
So it's my kind of self defense lah.

This is actually my natural kind of face.
Sorry that I don't have that sweet type of smile that would melt
the frozen ice or the warm laugh that would give you warmth.
(wow ayat..nak bunga-bunga je.. *insert a smirk here*)

But I don't know lah.
Do I look that sombong in your point of view?
Cause I quite terasa la when someone that I consider as
a good friend, someone that I feel comfortable to
mingle around with don't even give me a glance
walaupun sebenarnya kita tengah lalu jalan yang sama.

So should I smile a lot like a crazy person after this
just to make sure people don't get the wrong idea
that I am actually not that bekeng?

Nahhh. I'll just stay as who I am.
I hate to say this but I memang ada masalah nak bergaul
mesra dengan orang ramai especially species lain gender nih.
Can I blame the fact that I went to all girls school
that I develop this kind of habit?
Bluerghhhhhh.

Btw umi was fine.
She got appendicitis and undergone an operation today.
I don't have the chance to speak to her yet but
since my sister said that everything was fine,
I guess I can sleep better tonight.
No more nightmares.
Hope there won't be any complication after this.

I Cry.

I used to cry a lot.
Its kind of a therapy for me.
Whenever I find something
stressful or sad, I cry.
Especially when I'm in this foreign
land so called Czech Republic.
Yes I do have plenty of
friends but nothing can beat
feeling bila dah puas nangis tu.

Today I cried again.
I think this is the second most teruk
part of nangis kat sini.
My umi was admitted to the hospital
this morning.
She complained about her abdominal pain
but the doctors are still not sure about the
diagnosis yet.
She was transferred from Hosp. Jeli
to Hosp. Tanah Merah this afternoon
to meet the specialist.

I was in the lecture hall when
my sister text me regarding my umi.
I was very shocked yet I can do nothing.
I wrote everything which was on the slide
with zero understanding.
I  felt blanked during the whole class.
Its was so hard to maintain your composure during
that kind of situation. *insert tears*

My umi is the kind of person that tried her best
not to put her children under nonsense fear.
When I'm in form 3 she got into an accident
and broke her arm.
The doctors bandaged her arm and told her to
rest. But that week when she came to visit me in the
hostel, her bandage was gone.
She casually told me that she got into an accident
and her arm hurts. That's all.
When I went back home for pulang bermalam
that month then only I knew that she can't even
move her hand properly yet.
She didn't wanna let me see her bandaged arm
because it might make me worry.

So do you understand now why I cried a lot
upon hearing this news?

I want the pahala of taking care of my sick parent as well. *insert tears again*